remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
