Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
