wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
