capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
