ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
