my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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