I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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