I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
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