Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize