No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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