I don't usually arrange sex via text message
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
