Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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