i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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