I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
