please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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