got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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