My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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