i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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