3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
