omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You had me at "let me see your balls"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
