sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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