I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize