A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize