i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
