3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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