can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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