Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
