dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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