There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
