I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Randomize
