I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
