Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
