the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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