College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
