I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
