Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
And then he peed in my hair
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