last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
