we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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