I am spending my child support on dildos
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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