im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
