If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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