Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
