just come out here and I will go home with you...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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