just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
