i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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