Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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