In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
