Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
