the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
