I'm really into asian looking animals
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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