areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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