whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
