did you get engaged???
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
