U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
