Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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